Finding Out Isn't Always Easy

I hear all the time of mummy's who find out they are expecting and instantly know that they want their baby and will love and cherish them forever. It's a moment they have always imagined and finally it has arrived. Instant images flood them and their head fills with plans and fantasies all surrounding the happy news. 

But what about the many mums who have that moment of hesitation, of doubt? I often wrack myself with guilt because I am one of those ladies... 

I found out all alone... I knew deep down what my test would say, but still I put it off for three days. I was scared of the not so positive feelings I may have from seeing a positive result. But I did it... on a Monday afternoon in my home alone, I took the plunge and was staring at an instantly positive test. A feeling of dread came over me and I started to say, "no... no... no" out loud, over and over. I didn't know whether I wanted my baby and I cried because I felt that way, like I didn't deserve to be a mummy if I didn't instantly jump for joy. Although I had a feeling of what the result may be, I was still shocked as I was on the pill... The thing I did next I have contemplated whether to admit it or not...I can hardly do so myself, let alone on this platform. But if I am to acknowledge the intense feelings of guilt I often feel, it is only right I share this... I placed my hand on my tummy and said "go away".

What followed after was me telling my partner through tears (he was amazing and supportive), I spoke to the Doctor who booked me in to see a midwife, I told my family who were ecstatic and very excited... and in those weeks and the ones that followed, the initial shock of realising I was growing my own little baby began to subside.

Did I mean those feelings and what I said at the time? I'm not sure I will ever know... would I mean it now? Never. 

I want my baby... I love her and I spend so much of my time imagining what she will be like... her eyes, her hands, her smile, her laugh, the look she will give me for the first time... and then I cry when I remember my brief moment of weakness. I envy the opportunity to say I wanted her instantly... I went through turmoil before I realised I already loved her from that first very moment.